Hopelessly cross addicted?
October 30th, 2008I’ve got myself into a right mess. I’ve been bulimic since I was 13, a heavy habitual drinker since I was 14 and smoked weed every day since I was 17 (I’m 28 now). The problem is I’ve lost the power of choice and I cannot stop as I always find a way to rationalise my usage. I know this is a physical/mental/spiritual problem and I have been down the AA/NA/OA route and worked the steps, although I accept that I cannot have been thorough enough or ever really managed to get past ‘acting as if’. The hardest part is I KNOW it works as someone very close to me has 5 years clean time from smack and crack.
I think the main issue is that because I’m still able to function i.e. I still work, I manage to get to the gym a few times a week and to the outsider they would never know the extent of my problems because I’m very good at wearing the mask.
I’ve had heaps of counselling over the years and tried several different methods to overcome my difficulties (hypnotherapy/regression therapy/inner child work/person centered/CBT/antidepressants/going on a retreat/going cold turkey etc) but I always end up back in the midst of either overeating and purging, drinking or smoking dope, and they aren’t mutually exclusive either!
My parents are well aware of the situation and have been for many years but I think they don’t know what to do anymore. They are both heavy drinkers too.
I think I need to get to rehab but all my endeavours to find somewhere that would address my issues seems well out of my financial bracket and these types of places require either healthcare insurance which I dont have or very limited NHS resources.
A large part of my problem is also that I find it very hard to let my guard down and I push people away, fob them off or tell them what they want to hear so they’ll leave me alone, thus the cycle perpeptuates leaving my absolutely desperate and suicidal. My liver is packing up I can feel its deterioration and yet this still isn’t enough to make me stop.
Please, can anyone advise me on how to get out of this self imposed prison? Its not just a case of using willpower, as I know beyond doubt that I am an addict and that I have no power over it.
Many thanks in anticipation. xxx
Ryan - if you had actually read the post correctly you would note that I'm referring to a friend who has overcome crack addiction and I was merely mentioning it to quantify my belief that 12 step recovery can work.
UMM PUT DOWN THE CRACK PIPE THERE BASE HEAD
October 30th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
UMM PUT DOWN THE CRACK PIPE THERE BASE HEAD
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October 30th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
You seem very intelligent…and very desperate.
Ok…so one thing comes to mind. You mentioned 12-step programs. And yes, they do work. Remember what they say at the end of the meetings?
Keep coming back, it works if you work it.
If you go long enough it WILL change your thinking and that, in turn WILL change your BEHAVIOR. But this doesn't happen quickly. You know this.
I encourage you to get back into a 12-step program, get a COMPETENT sponsor, and WORK THE PROGRAM.
My mom is in AA with 22 years of sobriety. I've been to many meetings with her over the years and have seen it change lives where all hope was lost.
You're right, you ARE powerless against this. So DO THE STEPS, GO TO MEETINGS EVERY DAY…and follow the H.A.L.T. rule of thumb
do NOT let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.
I wish you peace and recovery.
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I'm a registered nurse (Master's degreed nurse practitioner)
October 30th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Perhaps a long term detox center, or rehab where you’re surrounded by positive influence and they monitor you to make sure you aren’t doing what you’re not supposed to be doing. Not having good insurance could propose a problem. But you can’t put a price on someone’s life. (you do realize your life is at stake?)
Personally, it sounds like you aren’t ready to give it up. Once you are truly ready to stop, something will work. Will power is half the battle.
good luck, dear =]
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